ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008

¯Oh, the times they are a changing…¯

Operator:  Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.  May I have your national ID number?

Customer:  Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator:  I must have your NIDM first, sir.

Customer:  My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's, 3897950001-54-66689.

Operator:  Thank you Mr. Phelps. I see your E-mail address is, phelps@home.net and that you live at, 8257 Private Drive. Your home phone number is, 505-7633, your office number over at Brave New World Insurance is, 254-7697 and your cell number is, 733-7433.  Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer:  Huh?  I’m at home.  Where’d you get all this information?

Operator:  We’re wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer:  The HSS, what is that?

Operator:  We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir.  It will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer:  (sighs) Oh well — I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator:  I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer:  Whaddya mean?

Operator:  Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.  Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer:  What?!?!  What do you recommend, then?

Operator:  You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.  I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer:  What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator:  Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir.  That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer:  All right, all right.  Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator:  That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir.  Your total is $49.99.

Customer:  Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator:  I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.  Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer:  I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator:  That may not work either, sir.  Your checking account is also overdrawn.

Customer:  Never mind! Just send the pizzas.  I'll have the cash ready.  How long will it take?

Operator:  We're running a little behind, sir.  It'll be about 45 minutes, sir.  If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer:  Wait!  How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator:  It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed.  But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer:  Well, I'll be a #%#^*^&$%^$@#!

Operator:  I'd advise watching your language, sir.  You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge.  Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility.  Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer:  (speechless)

Operator:  Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer:  Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator:  I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics.  The New Constitution prohibits this.      Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

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